Is this really "church" ( Part 1)

I "go" to the Sunday service, the big production set up for the day. Everyone is all smiles, dressed their best. The music/worship band is up front ready to go. Is it weird that they are up on an elevated "stage"? No that's just normal these days. Worship can still happen there, right?   I think about these things after I sit down. I feel uncomfortable as there were no seats in the back, where I usually like to sit and sort of hide, be out of radar.

Why did I go? I don't know. I wanted my daughter to be around other children with God fearing parents. I don't mean parents who are afraid of God. No, I mean parents who know and love God. Maybe we will meet some. I am pretty new at this church, haven't gone consistently. But it was Mother's day this past last Sunday and we needed to be around other believers, my daughter and I.
I am a single, separated mom of one school age daughter, whom I home school. Times have been rough to say the least. My separation was a necessary escape from an oppresive man. I endured more than 10 years with him.

Anyway, we have been lonely at times for real friendship during our trials, so I thought I should give church another go, to make some new friends. It's not that I am counting on the church system itself to meet my needs or anything. I have learned that it can't and won't. But I can still make friends in spite of it. I have in the past.

We started going to this church 8 months ago. Of course when you are new, some people will flock to you to welcome you, etc. I was so needy and broken when I first visited, I immediately went up for prayer and did so the first several Sundays there. Thankfully, it was helpful in some ways, as some caring people prayed for me. My soul was hungry and I would even take the kindness of strangers.
I had prayed for God to lead me, and I went to the service very reluctantly. But it really ended up not being so bad after all.

But things turned sour soon after, because expectations were set on me regarding what I needed to do to "fit in" to the church, and for my own good. They were all well intentioned, of course, and I sort of felt like I owed it to them after their kind prayers. So I was sucked in a bit. I was invited to take this Alpha Course which I knew was for unbelievers or new believers. I prayed it through and decided it would be okay to check it out, just for the sake of fellowship ( they offered a free meal too) and meeting kind folks.

I don't regret taking the course. It was a good course, even for a pretty grounded believer like myself. But what bothered me is that the only way for me to maintain communication with these new "friends" was to go to their meetings and follow their agendas. Why does it have to be so darn structured and controlled? No one asks. They just accept and follow.

Well, as long as I was part of their little group, they were there for me, if they saw me Wednesday night. So I went and tried to enjoy the good and share what I could, in whatever squeezed time allotments I was permitted to.  It worked out okay for a bit. The folks there prayed for me a few times and also helped me move, which was huge. I suppose God gave me favor and help there through the people willing, and I was thankful.

But I started to feel like this "project" of theirs, that they really had no time for unless I was conforming to their way of doing things. My desire to just "hang out" and naturally develop friendship was not really reciprocated. They had to plug me in to their next bible study of whatever program they thought I needed. It would have been fine to be part of their small group except the group had such a tightly controlled and specific agenda. After the first meeting I saw it was not a good fit. It felt demanding and constraining for me and I already had too much else on my plate with the trials of being newly separated. so I decided not to continue going and of course no one had time for me outside of that. Did I blame them? No, their lives are full with the agendas they chose to follow. But I don't want to live my life that way, without any margin or space to just be a friend to people. If I am constantly controlled by planned meetings and expectations, then there is no room for much else. I wonder is there any room left to be led by the Holy Spirit for these people with such structured lives?  Do they think following all these agendas is really following the Lord?

The thoughts I have

In this blog I hope to share my thoughts and observation about many things pertaining to God, life, faith, the times we are living in, what poses as spirituality and so on. I "think" so many things that I want to share. I know it is the LORD who reveals many things to me, by His grace.
I don't know who else observes these things, I'm sure some do, but it will be good to write it all out, as He leads. I have felt compelled to for some time. Maybe it will help someone else... Hope so. Also, read my profile, I am a work in progress and do not claim to know everything!